"I'm sorry I wasn't able to be a good girlfriend to you!" Evelyn sobbed to Chris.
"It doesn't matter, Eve," he told her, lips tight. "I saw you with her, and that's all that matters. If you really loved me, would you have done that?!"
Evelyn just stood there, remembering. Those memories of last Saturday, laying on the grass with a beautiful blonde with silver eyes that reflected the moon. Lisa was so nice to Evelyn, allowing her to cuddle up to Lisa when it got cold. Chris had walked right up to them just as Lisa kissed the top of Evelyn's forehead. Chris never returned her phone calls after that night; just waited until Monday to yell at her.
"It's over, Eve. I'm sorry," he told her softly, caressing her cheek before turning and walking out of her life.
Evelyn felt her knees give way, dragging her to the ground, her back resting against her locker. Tears fell gently from her sad eyes. Just as she was about to put her head in her arms and sob heavily, the bell rang. She sighed, stood up, and slowly made her way to her history class.
The entire class period, the teacher droned on for what seemed like ages. If someone were to ask her what he was talking about, she wouldn't have known a single sliver of information, since her attention was focused to the outside world. She was busy observing the elegant way the Blue Bird settled herself onto the branch of an Oak tree. The window was open, and it's song floated to her ears, calming her a little. A light breeze played with Evelyn's dark chocolate mane. She smiled, losing herself in nature, attempting to ignore the longing in her heart.
Why was it that she always lost her boyfriends? What was wrong with her? She wasn't sure if she was what people called "Bi" or not. All she knew was that she felt safe in the arms of a girl. As if their gentle touch and soft, murmuring voices chased away everything bad that happened. When she was with a guy, she felt as though she was just following whatever they wanted her to do. Chris was the only boyfriend that she had allowed to kiss her, though. She heard stories that something like fireworks were supposed to go off while you were kissing your partner, but she didn't feel anything. Just the feel of his lips pressed against hers, his hand roaming across her stomach, his tongue just barely grazing the inside of her mouth, exploring what lied there. They had reveled in each others hold. Enjoyed the game they played. But that was all, it was just a game. Nothing serious.
She continued wondering if she was truly Bi when her teacher walked up, snapping her out of her reverie.
"EVELYN! Were you paying attention at all?" he asked her.
She gulped, smiling up at him. "Um, of course, Professor! Why wouldn't I?"
He just grunted and walked away. She sighed, relieved that he didn't ask a question about something she should have learned in the class, gathered her things, and went out to the hallway. She juggled the weight of her heavy bag on her shoulder and the books that were weighing down her arm. The minute she rounded the corner, all she was aware of was that her books were suddenly flying through the air, and that she was growing closer to the floor.
Just as she was regaining awareness of her surroundings, fiery red flames came into her line of sight.
"Are you alright?" a girl with wonderful blue eyes that had a pinch of grey in them asked her. "I'm so sorry! I was just running from the security guard," she said with a laugh that reminded Evelyn of a chorus of beautiful singing birds. "You see, I beat this kid up because he thought it was funny to tease me about my hair, right? Well, I slapped him, of course, and then-," She cut off abruptly, seeing the wondering gaze of emerald gems staring up at her. "Well, don't mind me. Sorry, I shouldn't have just rambled like that," she said, giggling again. "By the way, I'm Krista. What's your name?" she smiled, her face resembling a bright, dancing flame.
Evelyn glanced down, mumbling, "I'm Evelyn."
"Can you speak up a bit, sorry, I couldn't hear you..." Krista said.
"Evelyn. I'm Evelyn," Evelyn said a little louder.
Krista smiled at her again. "Nice to meet you, Evelyn." She helped Evelyn up to her feet, gathering up her books afterward. "Here you go," she said, handing Evelyn her books. Her gaze swept up and down Evelyn, admiring her. Krista took hold of her hand, leading her out to the lunch quad. "Would you like to eat lunch with me, Eve? Is it alright if I call you that?" Krista asked her.
Evelyn just nodded, but the minute Krista said 'Eve', it reminded her of Chris, and the conversation they had only a class period before. Tears gathered at the edge of her eyes, but she hastily chased them away. Krista didn't notice.
***
After lunch, as they were walking back to their classes, Krista asked Evelyn, "So where do you live?"
The minute Evelyn got it out, Krista exploded. "Are you serious?! I only live a block away from there! You want to walk home after school?" At Evelyn's nod, Krista kissed her cheek and ran off to her class.
Evelyn put her hand to the place where Krista's lips were at only a moment before, and just stood there. It's warm, like fire. I feel it. But it doesn't hurt. If feels......good. She was shocked at how it made her react. It felt nice. Real nice. Better than Chris kissing her there. She walked to her class and sat down. The entire class period, she was, again, distracted. This time, not by a break-up, but a kiss...a kiss by a girl. For some reason, it felt better than when Lisa kissed her on her forehead.
***
After school was out, Evelyn headed to the front of the school and spotted Krista sitting on a bench. The sun caught Krista's hair, lighting it aflame. It appeared as if her hair was on fire.
Evelyn walked up to Krista. "You ready?" Krista asked. Evelyn nodded and they headed down the street, to a small neighborhood.
"You know," Krista said, glancing at Evelyn, " I never saw you hanging out with anybody else. Just you. I noticed nobody waved to you in the lunch quad, and you don't wave to anyone either."
"Not many people like me," Evelyn told her, looking down, about to sink into self-loathing. Krista's finger appeared and lifted her chin up.
"Don't look so sad. I like you. That's good enough, right?" She smiled at Evelyn.
Evelyn smiled back, and nodded, continuing to head toward her house. As they rounded the corner, a large house appeared. It was old looking, but elegant, with vines creeping along the walls. There was a long walkway lined with medium sized rocks. The path way itself was stone, and very unlevel.
"Watch your step, Krista," Evelyn said, before starting on the pathway of death. Krista stared at her.
"You mean, I can come into your house?" she asked.
Evelyn nodded and led her inside. It resembled a palace, with large pillars holding the structure up, marble flooring, and a large staircase that spiraled all the way up to the second floor. There was ancient, but nice, furniture littered everywhere. The house was eerily silent.
"Doesn't anybody live here?" Krista asked.
Evelyn shook her head. Krista stared at her, then smiled. "Cool, you got freedom."
She went upstairs and glanced around the rooms. Most of them were just storage rooms, but one was decked out with wonderful things. The curtains were dark purple lace, speckled with black stars. The bedding matched, only it was black with purple stars. The rest of the room matched that color scheme; the entire room awed Krista until she had to take a seat on the bed.
"This is sooo soft," she said in a incredulous murmur. She sighed and laid down, relaxing.
Evelyn stayed in the doorway, observing Krista with kind eyes. The sight of Krista laying on her bed did something to Evelyn. She started feeling something for Krista, even in this brief amount of time they knew each other. She looked at Krista, lying there on her bed, looking so comfortable. It reminded her of Lisa lying in the grass. Except, it was different somehow. She didn't have to be laying with Krista in order to feel something. She had an odd thought that if they were to be laying there together, embraced in each others arms, it would overwhelm her. With happiness. And....love.
At that thought, Krista sat up, patting the spot beside her. Evelyn walked over, stunned at the change in Krista's attitude, and sat down. Krista put her hand on Evelyn's leg and gently rubbed the spot right above her knee. Evelyn's breath caught. It was as though she had read Evelyn's mind when she was thinking by the doorway. Krista smiled. Really smiled. Beautiful points emerged. Fangs. Evelyn was stunned. Krista leaned down, slowly, toward Evelyn's neck, brushing her lips softly along her throat. Evelyn sighed, laying back. Krista began leaving a soft trail of butterfly kisses on Evelyin's neck. The next thing she felt was like nothing she felt before. A soft piercing, then the warmth of Krista's breath. After a minute, Krista removed herself from Evelyn's neck and gazed at her with silvery blue eyes.
Her blood tasted different from human's blood. It was richer; and it tasted more powerful, Krista thought, admiring Evelyn's beautiful hair fanned out on the bed. She heard the deep breaths of Evelyn breathing, which meant she had fallen asleep. The Bite always left them tired. Krista smiled, kissed Evelyn gently on the lips, and went to sit on the chair by the window. She started thinking...
Why wasn't Evelyn afraid of me? Or disgusted at the fact of another girl getting that close to her? Could she possibly be....like me? Could she possible feel the same way about girls like I do? Could she be the one my great-grandfather had told me about before he died? Could she be my soul mate?
Krista reached into her pocket and brought out two rings. They were both golden, with a crescent moon carved in surrounded by tiny stars. The moon was for the vampires. The stars for the witches. Krista looked around at Evelyn's room. There were stars everywhere. Could it be? Could Eve be a witch? She glanced at the ring and gazed at Evelyn. She walked slowly over there, and slid the ring onto Eve's finger. We will always be connected. We are bonded now. She went back to the window, and waited for Evelyn to wake up. Once she awakened, still a witch of course, Krista planned on asking her if she was a witch. Of course, that meant she would have to tell Eve that she was a vampire.
This was going to get complicated,Krista thought as the moon came into view. It was full.
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Hey dear,
Is this your first novel attempt? If it is, here's some things you should know. (These aren't hard-and-fast rules. When it comes to writing, nothing is.) When describing an object/person/thing for the first time, don't use metaphors. Once your audience actually knows what your talking about would be a great time. For example:
"The phoenix wafted into the palace of the dieing." Would not be a good way to start a story about a red-haired girl gracefully walking into a retirement home. Your reader won't understand what your talking about. When first describing something, pretend your audience is made of small children, or stupid people. Once you establish what you are talking about, then use metaphors creatively.
Also, Stay away from clisheys (sp?) They make a tough subject (Lesbian romance) seem contrived, even bland. When describing the red-headed one, try to stay away from the fire metaphor. Also, avoid the cutesie stuff. It makes your reader laugh at you. I, personally, hate clisheys. I try to avoid them at all costs. That's just me.
When using capitols on nouns, some witches do punctuate things like this, but only on words of power, or objects they are getting power from. For example, if a blue bird is sitting on an oak, you don't capitalize the nouns unless the witch is drawing power from their energies. (It's a way of showing respect.)
If you have any questions on Wicca, or modern witches, feel free to ask me. I'm quite uh... knowledgeable.
If this critique was to rough, feel free to let me know.
i really like the story, i mean i thought at first it would be weird, even for a girl who likes girls, to be kissed by a stranger or to see fangs and not scream but then i understood it later on, its a great story, good job cant wait to read the next chapter!
Thank you
I edited it and I didn't realize I had so many mistakes! Now it looks alot better, so I appreciate your edits 
Hello there.
Make sure you keep the verb tense to past.
The 'have been' is not necessary.
Did the bell ring? If so, you might want to mention that.
Missing a word here?
Again, this word is not needed.
When I read this, I had a lot of questions, but you somehow answered them as I got along. I liked the fact that it was original, at the beginning, but then you came up with the vampire and witch thing... Yes, and this is someone who writes a novel on werewolves, I know, it's unfair. But I hope you can prove yourself in the next chapters and truly show me that this will be nothing like I've read before.
Keep writing! And sorry for the harsh review... Your story looks promising.
-Other One